A look back: Barbie and the Sensations: Rockin' Back to Earth

Welcome back everyone. It's time for part two of this not-so-little recap.
For those who missed the first instalment let me briefly sum it up for you:


ASGDFSGFLVGLSERWRTOGUWENTYF VYD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAULXLXS

So that's basically Barbie and the Rockers: Out of this World. But there's a part two and after sitting through twenty minutes of virtually no conflict and songs that ranged from painful to mediocre I can't wait to find out if this one's any better or maybe even worse.

...

Actually I guess I can wait to find out but I might as well get this over with as soon as possible.


And so begins- wait, "Barbie and the Sensations"? When did they change their name? I don't really see the point of changing the name of your band if you're already a worldwide success.
Anyway, it's written by the same person and has the same announcer voice as last time and it even begins with the same not very good song as the last part ended with so I'd say things aren't all that different.

"And so ends the most phenomenal concert ever."

Depends on how you define "phenomenal".

Barbie thanks Dr Leonard (instead of her fellow band members or all her loving fans), saying that they'll never forgive him. I guess she's actually saying they won't forget him but I did a triple take on this and I still hear "forgive".
Dr Leonard responds by saying her concert was unbelievable. Again, interpret "unbelievable" as you want.

We then fade to the hideously pink spacecraft but judging from the musical cue starting up I could swear we were about to cut to Krang and Shredder in the Technodrome.
While in the space shuttle Barbie (and the Sensations) do the most stupid thing they can think of and unbuckle their seatbelts and decide to float around inside the cockpit playing music.

So, yes we get another song and... ah, crap. I actually remember this one. Well, if you've been with me so far you should know better than to expect lyrics that actually mean something and this one's no different.

Energy, energy all around
Are we going up or are we going down
Rocking back(???), rocking at the speed of sound
Energy, energy rocking all around

I'm not even going to try and understand. And it probably comes as no surprise that a keyboard can be heard playing long before one of the girls actually pick up a keyboard and starts playing it.

But what happens next is so baffling that it rivals that of the pink shuttle and space flower from the last instalment.

Apparently when one of Barbie's nameless friends starts playing the keyboard it begins to give of a form of strange blue, glowing energy which goes into the instrument panel and then proceeds to envelop the entire space craft which then proceeds to rocket off at tremendous speed and, from the looks of things, open a big wormhole!

I have no idea how this makes any sense. The best explanation I can think of is that the universe itself just had enough this abominable band's music and decided to kill them off by opening a hole in time and space and throw them into it hoping that will shut them up.

Barbie (and the Sensations) are pretty shocked by the fact that they are travelling through a tunnel of light that wasn't there a second ago. Then again I think these people would be surprised to find out that Rome is in Italy. But matters gets all the more confusing when they see a giant clock floating past them. Barbie and Ken seems just as fucking stunned about this as I am.

"Did you see that?" Barbie asks. "It was going backwards!"

I must say, Barbie's powers of observations are quite impressive. I didn't even think about that. I was too taken by the fact that A GIANT POCKET WATCH JUST FLOATED PAST US!

Barbie and gang are assaulted by another array of giant clocks and one of the band members remarks that "it's wild". After a brief trip through the wormhole the band finds themselves once again orbiting Earth. One of the girls (don't know which one, they all sound identical) is impressed at how fast they got home. And since I still have no idea how far away from Earth that big, floating flower was I guess I just have to take their word for it.

"Barbie to ground control. Come in, please."

This is major Tom to ground control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in the most peculiar way
And the stars look very different todaaay

Yeah, I know I already made that joke. Doesn't stop it from being a better song.

"Ground control?" the radio replies. "What are you, sky patrol?"

Well, if you're not ground control then HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO RESPOND TO THE TRANSMISSION FROM SPACE?

Still, Not-ground-control gives Barbie permission to land and "bring in them little green Martians with you".

All right, I'm going to go ahead and reveal right now that Barbie has travelled back to the 1950's. Then you'd think the guy on the other end would be freaking out of his mind right now at the fact that a woman's voice from space just asked him if she could go ahead and land on his planet. At the very least he should be accusing them of being communists. But then again maybe he thought it was a joke. If I was in his situation I guess I'd assume it was a joke as well.
"Hello! Me and my time travelling rock band from the 1980s would wish to land our giant, pink spacecraft on your airfield. That okay with you?"

So in a rather nicely animated scene we see Barbie's hideous pink space shuttle touching down at a 1950's airfield where they are spotted by a little girl in what I assume is blue Cadillac but I'm not going to make any quick assumptions out of fear that some smarmy automobile-snob might come across this blog and correct me on this. Anyway, the little girl spots the pink shuttle and remarks that this is "neato beano" whatever the flying fuck that means.

Barbie and team steps out of the shuttle where they are greeted by a surprised Reed Richards lookalike and the little girl from the car.

"Are you Martians?" the girl asks. Well, considering the way they dress...

But Barbie and the others just chuckle at this idea and introduce themselves. "I'm Barbie. And these are the Rockers." So are you "the Sensations" or "the Rockers"? Make up your mind!

Anyway, I can't make out what the doctor's name is. It sounds like Dr. Marry You. But the neato beano kid's name is Kim.

"Is today September 25th?" asks Barbie.
"Uh-huh." Kim answers. "September 25th 1959."
"NINETEEN FIFTY-NINE?!" Barbie and her entire group says simultaneously. In the exact same way they all said "OUTER SPACE?!" earlier.

"Somehow we've travelled back in time!" Thank you for stating the obvious yet again, Barbie.

So just in case you missed it: playing a keyboard in space will open a portal to the 1950s.

Sure, why not. Moving on.

"That would explain this... vehicle." says Dr. Richards, rightfully hesitating on what to call the hot pink horror before him. But he's also excited at the thought of people one day being able to go into space. Well, yes but since the first manned spaceflight took place in 1961 I don't know if this should come as any surprise to him.

Barbie wonders how they will get back to their own time but it turns out Dr. Richards is a rocket scientist. I guess it's a good thing that the very first person they met upon landing just so happened to be one.

Doc says getting them home will take time so of course he decides that they should talk about it later and he will even let Barbie (and the Sensational Rockers) to run around 1950s America free to cause all sorts of time fluctuations and paradoxes.
Barbie and gang doesn't seem to mind.

So let me get this straight. Barbie has accidently travelled from the 1980s to the 1950s and she needs help from a certain doctor to get back to her own time...

Hey, kids! You know what movie was really popular in the eighties?




Huh? No! Well, yeah, that too. But that was not what I had in mind.



There we go! I wonder if Barbie will end up running into her parents and be forced to fix their marriage. I doubt that will happen, though. Mostly because Barbie looks like something that was created in a government lab underground.

So Barbie and her friends go and do the only logical thing to do when you're trapped in a different time period. Shopping!

"Whooie!" says one of Barbie's many nameless friends in regards to a display window showcasing some 50's outfits. "Is that hot?"

"You mean 'cool'. 'Very cool'." Kim corrects her. Aw, what happened to neato beano?

Next we get another montage of the band trying of fifties clothes and trying to find hairstyles even worse than what they already have. All this is set to an excruciating song called "Dressin' Up". I'm not even kidding. They even purchase a pink car which isn't quite as hideous as the space shuttle from before.

Ken asks Barbie where they should go in their new car. I'd say back to the airfield and stop screwing with the past but no one listens to me.

"As I recall from those old movies, wasn't the malt shop the hip place to go?" That line just pains me immensely and I'm not entirely sure why.
"Isn't that where you and your friends go after school?" Barbie asks Kim.

"I don't have a lot of friends." Awww... in case you can't tell Kim is my favourite character in this whole thing. She's the only character who's acted remotely human so far and thus is the only character I really care about.



"Yes, you do! You have us! We will always be your friends!" And all of Barbie's "best friends" chime in like the mindless drones they are. "That's right!" "We mean it!" "Don't you forget it!" "You got it!"
If I was Kim I would start crying right about now. And not because I was moved.

Barbie and her best friends for life pull up near a malt shop a little too excited at the prospect of having milkshakes. As soon as they enter people start gawking at them. And not necessarily in a bad way since frankly Barbie (and the Sensations) look much more at home in a 1950s malt shop than they do on a stage.

Barbie immediately walks up to a jukebox and pulls out a record from her purse which she puts into the jukebox. Two girls who look like they taken directly from one those ads in Fallout 3 approach the group and asks if they're new around here and Barbie confirms this.
Barbie's red-headed friend asks the girls if they like to "bop". Did people really talk like this back then? The girls seems excited since they let out a simultaneous "Yeaah!" although they have to look at each other first as if they're wondering "I dunno. Do we?"

Sadly, Barbie and her not-so-motley crew doesn't respond by smacking the girls upside their heads but instead they walk up on a stage complete with available instruments. Ken picks up Kim (don't worry!) and puts her on the counter.

"Want a frozen yoghurt, Kim?"
"A FROZEN WHAT?" Kim and two of the people behind the counter asks simultaneously. What, do everyone in cartoon share a hive mind or something?

The record starts up and I can't help but notice that it's pink and has the Barbie logo on it. I have no logical reason for this and clearly neither does this cartoon. The sensations (and Barbie) have only been here, what, one day? They can't already have made a record. Did they just bring it aboard the space shuttle before going back in time? And if she did was it just luck that the record she brought happened to have them doing a cover of the Bobby Freeman song "Do you want to dance"? Come to think of it, why do you need to play the record? You're playing the exact same song on stage!

Still, the crowd seems to be enjoying it and poorly animated dancing ensues. Not a whole lot to say about it. There's a guy doing the split and apparently someone thinks this is such an impressive dance move that they decided to put a slide whistle sound-effect to it. There's also a policeman who passes by the window and starts dancing. Really, officer, don't you have work to do? For starters, there's an unattended dog standing right next to you!


The band stops playing (or the record stops, I'm not sure) and the crowd starts cheering. Barbie responds by saying "Thank you!" thrice in a row with exact same tone and pitch each time she says it. I'm wondering if this was the voice actress fault or if there was only one voice clip of her saying "thank you" and they decided to play it three times. Or maybe Barbie is parrot.

The girls who wanted to "bop" are impressed by the fact that Kim and Barbie seem to know each other and asks Kim where she came from.

"They kinda dropped in, out of the sky."

I'm sorry, was that supposed to be funny?

"Well, they're out of this world, all right!"

"Captain, we're approaching dangerous quantities of anti-joy!"

Duly noted, Uhura. Barbie keeps repeating the same "Thank you!" and we fade to black.

When we come back, Barbie is doing exactly what you shouldn't be fucking doing if you're stuck in a different time period: taking the world by storm.

Barbie, apparently not happy with being the most recognized musician of the 1980's and an ambassador for world peace, decides to experience her rise in success all over again in 1959! In other words:


This is the equivalent of letting loose a wild and probably rather angry elephant in an antique store. Things will inevitably turn to shit.

So we get a montage of the world caving in to Barbie-mania. This is set to a cover of the song "Here Comes My Baby" by Cat Stevens. A song from the album "Matthew and Son" which shouldn't come about until 1967 and now probably never will thanks to Barbie.

It's nice to see Barbie (and the Sensations formerly known as the Rockers) have such respect for artists and musicians before their time. Just take a moment to think about all the bands that will never rise to fame now because of Barbie.

The montage consists not so much of Barbie and her band performing any songs as it does just Barbie (and only Barbie) posing for photos. What, you honestly thought people liked her for her music?

Eventually, we see Barbie and her band, now referred to as the Rockers, finishing up a concert and a guy with a microphone steps out and asks her about their upcoming gig at Cape Canaveral. (!?) Not even going into the historical aspects of this, when have you ever heard of a pop band as opening act before a shuttle launch?

Barbie responds by saying: "It's such a thrill for us! We're on the verge of a whole new era in space! The wonders ahead of us are... are..."

The reporter interjects with: "You sound like you've already been there!" No, she sounds like a valley girl who if she ever saw a space shuttle would ask where it shoots it's phasers from.

But Barbie responds by yelling: "I know we can do anything if we just set our minds to it!" Ugh... This sounds like a bad PSA you'd be forced to watch in grade school during a particularly eventless day. A PSA that would ironically probably be from the fifties.

So Barbie tells us she's going to hold a "rock to the stars" concert and word of this quickly spreads. We get to see a girl telling two girls: "Barbie's singing at Cape Canaveral!" then one of the girls she just told turns to another girl who was standing right behind her, well within hearing range and who probably heard everything, and repeats: "Barbie's singing at Cape Canaveral!" Thank you, that wasn't redundant or anything.

We fade to a TV-announcer stating that: "Today, in Washington, London, Paris and Tokyo, everyone is talking about Barbie's 'rock to the stars' concert." Okay, I don't think someone on American television would talk about Japan in such a positive tone at this point in time but I could be wrong. Or maybe Barbie, being as ambassador for world peace, healed their relationship with a crappy 80s rock song. Who knows. The writers obviously didn't.

We see Barbie in front of the white house shaking hands with an astronaut. But the astronaut is having a bit of a dilemma because he "can't wait to get out there in space! But I don't want to miss your concert either, Barbie!" Hmm... beat the Russians in the space race and make great advantages in the field of human spaceflight or stay on Earth and listen to Barbie butchering songs?

Barbie says: "Oh, you'll get there all right! I'm sure of it!" Wait, what are you talking about? Does that mean you want him to go into space? And at no point does it seem like anyone doubted that he would be able to go out into space.

Suddenly Reed Richards appear with Kim and tells Barbie he might have found a way to get them home. Well, it's swell you came up with a solution now that Barbie has already messed up time and space beyond repair.

"From what you told me, somehow the position of the planets and the musical chords you played triggered that time tunnel."

Hang on and let me get my cell phone because I'm about to call bullshit.

So all they have to do is repeat the same process to get them home. And as luck would have it at the night of Barbie's concert the planets are going to be aligned again. According to Barbie "this is going to be the most the most cosmic concert ever". Except, you know, the one in the space flower in the last part.

So we cut to the night of the concert and it looks like Reed Richards has unfortunately restored the pink space shuttle to it's original condition. Hasn't it suffered enough humiliation? Just let it die already.


So we see a great big crowd there and of course they're more excited about Barbie's concert than the first manned space flight. Kim and Reed Richards is with Barbie back stage and Dr Richards tells Barbie that they're all set to go.

"How can I ever thank you?" Barbie asks, which sounds a lot better than "I'll never forgive you".

"Thank me? Thank you! You've convinced me that everything I've been working on is going to happen." All right, it's official. Kim and her dad are my favourite characters in all this.

So Kim doesn't want Barbie to leave and thinks she and her dad should come with her, but Barbie gives what is actually a pretty decent speech (by Barbie-standards, mind you) about the responsibilities Kim's dad has to the future of mankind and how much he'll mean to the world.

Of course, to finish this speech of Barbie says she has a hunch she and Kim will meet again and judging from the time and way she says it she might as well have said "Don't worry, we'll meet again. It says so in the script."

And to wrap this scene up Barbie hands Kim the biggest fucking locket I've ever seen in my life.



That doesn't look like something you'd comfortably wear around your neck. Kim is probably going to grow up with severe spinal problems because of that. And no, I see no reason why this locket might be significant later on, why do you ask?

Kim actually starts crying in her arms but her band steps in and pulls her away from Kim because, hey, Barbie's been completely ignoring their feelings up to this point so why can't they treat Barbie like crap for once?

Speaking of which, it's about five and a half minutes left of this and I still don't know all their names. I know the guys are Ken and Derek and I know the black chick's name is Dee-Dee but that's it. I think of the girls might be called Diva but if that's the case I have no idea who it is.

So Barbie (and the sensationally forgettable) go out on stage and starts playing as the crowd cheers. The song they play is called "Blue Jean Boy" and it's apparently an original song this time around. It sounds like the title of a cover song but a quick google search turns up nothing so I guess it isn't then.

Barbie's performance consists mostly of just jumping to the left and then jumping to the right and then jumping left again with one random twirl thrown in and occasionally she just stops in her tracks like this advanced choreography is too complex for her and she has to stop and think about what to do next.
The song ends just as they reach the first refrain though the audience doesn't seem to mind.

"It's just a jump to the left..."

As the song ends Barbie gives the okay to Dr Richards backstage who pulls a big lever and some lights light up just to let us know it's working. Barbie asks her audience if they're ready to rock to the stars. Oh, I think they are. It's the time travelling I'm worried about how they'll react to.

"Then let's GO!"

And the man in the back
said everyone attack
And it turned into a ballroom blitz
And the girl in the corner said
Boy, I wanna warn ya
It'll turn into a...

Oops, sorry. There I go thinking about better songs again.

So Reed Richards proceeds to... charge the stage with electricity, it would appear. Because as we've all learned from old Frankenstein movies, electricity can do anything. On Dr Richards commando the band starts playing their instruments (or rather, they just kinda hammer on their instruments. You'd think they would try to play the same song they did the first time they opened the time tunnel but I guess not) and this causes a giant pillar of light to shoot into the sky which, for whatever reason, doesn't bother the crowd one bit. Barbie and band disappears into the shuttle and Kim manages a "bye, Barbie" and the shuttle gets shot into the tunnel of clocks again. If they're going forward this time around I do not know since no one animated the bloody things.

They emerge on the other end of the tunnel and right after doing so we see them performing on a stage in the 80s again. This went by so fast that I wondered if this was some alternative time line where Barbie (and the Rockers as they're now referred to as) made it back to Earth in one piece without time travelling and they would end up meeting with their counterparts that just arrived from the 50s. But no, because then Barbie and Ken makes mention of how they just made it back to their own time. That and they're still wearing their 50s outfits. But in the 1980s who can tell the difference?

And no adverse effects from this whole messing with the past ordeal, either. Barbie is just as popular now as she was back in 59. You'd think after twenty-some years people would be pretty sick at Barbie by now. And they mention that she came back from space so I'm guessing the whole space flower concert still happened. So, what, the whole messing around with musical history and the space program did absolutely nothing? Did they maybe create a different time line that exists on it's own, like in Dragon Ball Z?

Whatever, it's almost over.

They start playing "everybody rock" again. So as Barbie's walking along the most underwhelming stage in the world after all they've been through, doing the usual waving and handshaking she eventually comes across a brown haired woman (with a child?) that stops her and shows her the same giant pendant Barbie gave Kim. So Kim is all grown up and has a daughter named Megan (and I must ask again: with who?). Megan is impressed that Barbie and Kim know each other and Barbie says they "go way back". Huyk hyuk.



Megan then says: "Barbie, you're my favourite!" You're favourite what?
Kim responds: "Barbie's everybody's favourite! For all time!" Yeah, forget about those other loosers like Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson or Beethoven. Barbie and the Rockers is the band that everyone will remember.

So we get to hear some more of this song we've already heard and we get another terrifying shot of Barbie looking into the camera.

And so we end. All in all this was a lot better than the last one actually. Sure Barbie is as gentle around history as Godzilla is around buildings and it all wrapped up ridiculously clean and we still don't know who everyone in the band are but all in all this one was better than the last one. It's stupid but for the most part it's your regular 1980s cartoon stupidity.

So that's it for Barbie and the Rockers. And the Sensations for that matter. The question is what I'll do next now that I'm finished with this. I'd like to think that I'm finished with Barbie, at least for now.

I'll guess we'll find out sooner or later. For now, take care and... some clever remark about pink space shuttles.

Why The Punisher would kick Batman's ass

I rest my case.

How does John Defoe see anything?

Nice facewear I guess. If you like seeing things in... dark green and even darker green.

Random brainfart

What's the legal drinking age in Mass Effect anyway?


The human drinking age is around 21 but what about the Asari or the Salarians?


The Asari live for about a thousand years. Are they not allowed to drink until they reach the Matron stage of their lives which is around the age of 350?

And what about the Salarians? They only live for 40 years. I doubt they have to wait half of their lives until they're allowed to drink.


And what is up with all the Asari strippers in Chora's Den? Are you trying to tell me they're all over 350?

Actually maybe neither of those races need or want to drink.

Then again it doesn't look like there's much else to do in the Citadel. The only forms of entertainment in the Citadel seems to be those two bars unless you wanna line up to see the Consort?

What, they have bars but no restaurants in the future? Or toilets for that matter? Do everyone have nano-implants up their yazoo which takes care of all bodily functions?

What's more perplexing is that there are news reporters but you tell me where you get a hold of news in the Citadel. I guess you could stand around in an elevator all day hoping for the occasional radio broadcast but the place is filled with computers and monitors built into walls. Couldn't you show something on those?

But the space-crafts are even worse! I'm guessing that the Normandy travels between stars pretty freaking fast but you can only bring two people with you on a mission. So what does the rest of the crew do in the meantime? Play Guitar Hero?
There really isn't much to do on the Normandy other than tell eachother their own backstories for the five billionth time. Except maybe banging the one underage Asari you have on the ship.

Come on! Poor Wrex is bored out of his skull. All he can do is stand around in the exact same spot for several hours staring at a wall! Hook the guy up with some Gears of War 2, I think he'll have a great time.

Geez, no wonder Shepard sounds so bored all the time.

Teasers

How is everyone? Enjoying E3?

It's exciting, isn't it?

All the new trailers?

Yeah...

I just got back from watching a new "trailer" of the new Ratchet & Clank game. This is all I have to say about it:

WHAT'S THE BLOODY POINT?

All it did was tell us that someone is making a new Ratchet & Clank game. Now it's nice to have some kind of confirmation that they are doing it.

The problem is that it's so utterly pointless. All it did was tell us the title as well as maybe showing us a glimpse of a character.

And I'm not just blaming Ratchet & Clank here. It seems most companies are intent to keep doing this.

Look, I'm sure teaser-trailers were a very exciting thing in the 80s when you went into a movie theatre and didn't know what trailers to expect seeing.

However it is now the twenty-first century and we have the internet. We have Kotaku or GameTrailers tell us when a new trailer pops up and odds are they're gonna tell us what video we are about to watch as well.

It's POINTLESS to make a trailer if all you're going to tell us is the name!

GET IT?

A look back: Barbie and the Rockers

You know, it's a strange thing about cartoons from the 1980s. By all accounts they shouldn't be remembered very well. The animation wasn't very good, the story lines were sometimes just laughable and many of them were essentially just toy-commercials.
But for some reason it was something that always stuck with me ever since I watched these shows as a kid.

The theme songs.

Why is it that I seem to remember every single 80s cartoon theme song I heard growing up?
Everything from Transformers to M.A.S.K. to He-Man to Maxie's World.
And I never watched Maxie's World! The theme song was in a commercial at the end of a tape with the Super Mario Bros Super Show!
SO WHY DO I REMEMBER IT!? Or any of this for that matter!?

So maybe you have figured out by now that one of the many songs stuck in my head was the opening song to the TV-special known as Barbie and the Rockers. Although I mistakenly remembered it being called "Barbie and the Rock Stars" which in retrospect probably sounds better than actual title.

Barbie and the Rockers: Out of this World was an animated TV-special produced by Saban and DIC Entertainment and was based on the toy line with the same name (sans the "out of this world" of course) and was also given a sequel called Barbie and the Sensations: Rockin' Back to Earth. Both were released on a VHS which I wouldn't be surprised if my little sister watched religiously. I, however didn't. I was too occupied with manlier things at the time, like... uhh... Action Man?

Nothing screams "EXTREME!" like being late.

But that didn't stop me from getting that first song stuck in my head as well as a couple of other ones. So one day when I was particularly bored and the songs once again resurfaced I decided to do some research on this pink abomination. And then I decided to put my own sanity on the line by reviewing it. Let's dive right in, shall we?

The first part of our two-parter starts of with the eponymous group led by Barbie performing at a live concert where they sing about how they're "rocking out" and are "totally in the groove".
Actually it first starts with a title card telling us the title, like it matters. It also says that it was written by someone named Martha Moran.
But after that we get to see Barbie and the Rockers perform! Well, actually for a good chunk of the one minute long song we don't actually see anyone on stage and from the looks of things the band was beamed onto the stage towards the end of the song.

So the band instantly begins playing their next horrid song and we get to see Barbie, looking just as inanimate as ever and sparkling like a freaking Meyerpire.
We also get a short glimpse of the rest of the band, most of them playing on pink instruments, and we get a rather disturbing close-up of one of the band members who smile into the camera.
I guess it's supposed to be Ken but I'm not even entirely sure it's a guy considering the curly, gold hair and long eyelashes. Oh, and he also sparkles.



I'm not sure I can go on typing with him looking at me like that.

Anyway, apparently this is supposed to be "the hottest band in the history of the world".
Now, would you ever consider listening to a band called "Barbie and the Rockers"? Can you even imagine someone saying with a straight face that they like listening to a band called "Barbie and the Rockers"? It just spells disaster. I'm guessing the people who listen to this band are just doing it for the amusement factor. Kinda like how people only read All-star Batman & Robin because of how awesomely bad it is.

Well, it would seem that I'm wrong about that because apparently Barbie (and the Rockers) are so popular that they have won every single world music award, their album has sold triple platinum and we are told how successful Barbie is all over the world. Oh, and she has also become an ambassador for world peace.

You heard me. Barbie, the girl who thinks math class is tough and likes throwing pizza parties, is now an ambassador for world peace.

Her jacket also changes colour between shots.

Anyway, after Barbie (and the Rockers) have wrapped up their world tour everyone is curious about what she's going to do next. Personally I'm hoping that she gets herself wasted, looses her virginity to some other celebrity and ends up having two children, publicly embarrasses herself and falls into Scientology and then one day be found dead with her face in a toilet somewhere.

So Barbie and her band takes an elevator up to what must be some kind of café or bar for obscenely rich people. This café is situated above the clouds to give an open view of the night sky.

"Look at those stars!" exclaims one of the female band-members.

They are greeted by a woman who responds: "And the brightest star of all: Barbie!"

OH-HO HO HO! I hope this star to goes supernova soon...

So the woman snaps her fingers, summoning a chair down from the ceiling. It's not even attached to anything, it just kinda floats down. What.

One of the girls of the band, apparently named Dee-Dee, sighs and says she feels blue now that the tour is over and the redhead girl asks what they're going to do next.

Barbie responds by standing up and starting to dance.

Yeah...

Then the rest of the band gets up too and together they have choreographed dance-routine where they sing about how they're best friends.
Remember, kids! If you're friends didn't put together a dance-routine complete with a song about how good buddies you are they're not really your friends!

All right, taking a break from being snarky, some of this dance sequence is actually pretty well animated. (In fact it's better than their stage performance.) It's just too bad the song just about makes me want to shove pencils into my ears.

Cut to the next morning with the sun rising between some pink skyscrapers. Oy... Barbie walks out, still wearing the same clothes as the night before.

"I can't believe it! We danced all night! Who could that be?" Barbie says without even TRYING to act. She heads over to open the pink door (yes) to see who it is. Personally I hope it's the voice director coming over to fire her.

Nope. Just the mailman coming to deliver a letter of such grave importance that it is engraved in gold which prompts the other five members of the band to gather round her and start pestering her to read it out loud like they're in freaking kindergarten or something.

Apparently the World Peace Organization have decided to throw a fucking ball in Barbie's honour seeing as how she's now the ambassador for world peace (which I'm still not buying). Barbie seems delighted by the thought of this. Evidently dancing all night didn't tire her out one bit.
She immediately asks Ken to accompany her to the ball and Ken immediately accepts.

Well, that was quick. How long have you been planning this, Barbie? There are two guys in your band and you probably didn't have to go with either of them if you didn't want to.
Must be the sparkles.

"But Diva. What am I going to wear?" What are the odds it will be something pink? And who's Diva?

So we get a montage of Barbie and her three female friends trying on different outfits.
Actually that's a bit of a stretch. Most of the montage consists of Barbie and her friends just continually moving their heads back and forth with blank, zombie like expressions on their faces.
And this is intercut with stills of Barbie's three friends wearing different outfits and generally acting like idiots just being rotated upside down to try and hide the fact that they were too lazy to animate anything. And all this is set to another song which isn't quite as awful as the last one. Mostly due to the fact that it's a cover of Beatles song.

Barbie eventually settles on a pink ball-gown that no one past the age of six would wear complete with a freaking tiara (with pink gemstones in it of course. Oy...)

She rushes down the stairs to greet Ken who responds "I don't think you've ever been so gorgeous." Ken, that's a bit hard to believe when you sound like you're trying your best to sound disappointed.

Then they start dancing.

Like, right away. Immediately, as soon as Barbie comes down those stairs she latches onto Ken and begins spontaneously dancing with him. Barbie HAS been planning this!

They are then instantly transported to the ball where they are still dancing. And all the other guests start applauding them and saying bravo. I'm guessing they were impressed with Barbie's teleportation-act. Also, who says bravo at a ball? And these are people from all over the world. Why are they all saying bravo?

She then walks up to the man conducting the band and whispers something in his ear. He then stops the music in favour of letting her speak. What, that's it? She just wanted to hold a speech? She whispered in that conductor's ear for seven seconds! What the hell did she say? It shouldn't take almost eight seconds to ask someone to turn down the music. You probably didn't even need to whisper, you could just say "Excuse me, I got something to say". What did she do, issue him death-threats?

Barbie takes the stage and announces her next big plan for Barbie and the Rockers. It is...

Are you ready for this?

No?

Well, I'll say it anyway.

They're going into outer space.


Yes, she says their next big concert dedicated to world peace is going to be performed in outer space.

"Outer space!?" Ken exclaims, neatly mimicing mine and everyone else's feelings while all of the world leaders start applauding at this supposed joke.

Barbie and Ken returns to the... studio I guess... and tell the rest of the band who responds exactly like Ken did. "OUTER SPACE!?" "Yes, outer space!" Would you stop saying that?
Who uses the term "outer space" anyway these days outside of 1950s sci-fi parodies?

"But no one's ever done that before" says Guy-who-still-doesn't-have-a-name.

That's because it's stupid.

"Gee, if we could really pull it of, it'd be super-sensational!"
"Not if. When!" Barbie replies.

So you're not even going to hear what your fellow Rockers have to say about this, Barbie? You're going to force them to go into space regardless of what they think? What does your agent think about this? In fact where is your agent? You killed him, didn't you? By the way, shouldn't NASA have some say in this? What do they think about sending six people with no prior knowledge of spaceflight into outer space to perform a rock concert?

Oh, she does ask the other members of the band what they think of her idea. I still say she should have asked them BEFORE publicly announcing her idea.

Ken seems supportive of her idea however.
"I wouldn't miss this for the world! Uh... for the universe." Hahahaha. Die, Ken. Seriously.

The rest of the band joins in and approves her insane scheme.
I especially like how still-nameless-guy says "okay" with complete apathy.
Apparently he's sceptic towards the idea because, in his words "there's so much to do so quickly".
This guy is now my favourite character if only because he seems to be the only one with some semblance of brain activity. Oh, and turns out his name is Derek.
Derek, you are my number one guy.

"You're right, Derek. But with hard work and a little magic..."

Then she starts dancing again.

For the love of God, Barbie! Can't you even finish a sentence without having to break out into spontaneously dancing? I think you might have some sort of strange dancing disorder.
I especially love how Ken just stands there and stare at her like he's wondering: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Turns out it's time for another montage where we get to see the band undergo the training necessary for spaceflight. Kinda. Barbie gets to walk upside down in a giant hamster wheel and sit in one of those centrifugal thingies. And yet her hair stays the same throughout the whole thing. Her hat doesn't even come off! And that is all the training we see. The rest of the montage consist of the girls putting on makeup and Ken and Derek mimicking the opening to Back to the Future.

Cut to... the spaceport. No mention of where this is or how much time has passed but apparently they have a shuttle ready to launch and everything. And the band is now wearing even more ridiculous eighties clothes.
The shuttle itself is wrapped up in yellow gift wrapping with a giant ribbon around it. That must have taken forever to set up. Barbie cuts the ribbon which makes the now white wrapping come off to reveal...

No...

You can't be serious.

No!

NO!

"It's... pink!"

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF ABOMINATION IS THIS? WHAT? WHAT HORROR HAVE YOU DECIDED TO UNLEASH UPON THE STARS? HONESTLY, TELL ME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT MADE YOU THINK THIS COULD EVER BE CONSIDERED A GOOD IDEA ARGHRAGHHAGRAAAAAAAAAAAAARGAAAAAAH!!

"It's... magic!"

NO IT'S NOT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BARBIE WHAT WOULD ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHYYYYYYYYYY?

Still, the band seems more than happy to board this... thing. So they do.

"I can't believe it's real. Can you?"

No. I quite frankly can not.

We get the mandatory ten second countdown. "Five... four... three... two... one... lift-off!" Check ignition and may God's love be with you.

This is Major Tom to ground control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in the most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

What, I'm not allowed to think about better music while watching this?

Anyhow, Barbie (and the Rockers) are now in space. It was so anticlimactic I hardly noticed. You'd think launching a giant heap of condensed pinkness into space would be something memorable but no.

"There aren't words to describe it." None that you know at least. "Our little world, with so many different people." Yes, I can see how she became an ambassador for world peace.

But our world peace ambassador quickly looses interest in Earth and instead starts gawking at other celestial bodies as yet another montage starts up! What is this? This is like our third montage in the last ten minutes! Actually it's more like a music video this time around and we get shots of Barbie riding around on rainbows and more shots of the horrible, pink space shuttle. And since it might just be music video I probably shouldn't try to bring too much logic into it but I'm not sure what solar system this is supposed to take place in.

We see a small red planet which could be Mars and a bigger planet which could be Jupiter since you can also see Saturn. But there's no asteroid field to speak of and Jupiter is blue for some reason. Then we see five other planets that I have no idea what they are supposed to be and probably shouldn't be located so closely to each other.

Barbie, the Rockers and the unfortunate space shuttle then reach a space station in the shape of the flower that I guess was set up solely for this concert. Man, the space program sure was way ahead of it's time in the 1980's. Not only could we set up space stations outside the solar system and travel there in no time at all. Barbie and friends didn't even need to put on spacesuits or anything throughout the entire trip. And no ill effects from radiation, space sickness or any negative effects on bones or bodily fluids whatsoever.

But that's not all. Upon landing Barbie (and the Rockers) are greeted by some twenty people who have come out to meet them IN THE DOCKING BAY. I guess in the eighties we also evolved past our need to breath. Barbie is shocked because she wasn't expecting such an audience. (Speaking of which what's the point of even having a concert in space? No one is gonna be able to come see it.) They even have a dressing room set up!

This leads us to asdjhjvsjdvhlyig ANOTHER MONTAGE! We had one not 50 seconds ago! Oh, and now they're all weightless despite the fact that they weren't just a moment ago. So they slip into even more hideous eighties clothes. I especially like the part where they put on their shoes because although Barbie and her three friends are weightless their shoes are not.

Dr, Leonard, the... uhh... guy in charge of the space station I guess... summons an elevator to take them to the stage. He apologizes for not having a limousine ready to take them there but Barbie and her five idiot friends are so blown away by this amazing invention called an elevator that they forgive him.

He shows them the severely underwhelming stage (Not enough pink, dammit!) and asks them what they think. "Yeah, you did a great job" responds Derek again with complete apathy as if to say: "Eh, we're putting on a concert for world peace in space".
But that's not all. Dr Leonard pushes a button which opens up the roof of the station in the form of pink flower petals. That's what this station was missing! Now the mockery of all of God's creation is complete. We have giant pink flower with a bad 80s pop-band inside floating around in space.

But now it's time for the big live concert. Apparently this is going to be aired on television seeing as how there are cameramen standing by. Does anyone out there know how long it would take for this footage to reach Earth? Then again, it seems that all of a sudden the DeathFlower is orbiting Earth instead of the outer rims of the solar system. I don't know. I was entirely too distracted by the fact that Barbie (and the Rockers) aren't even going to bother rehearsing or at the very least have some kind of program prepared for this big, world-changing concert. They just run straight onto the stage and start broadcasting.

We cut back to Earth where everyone is applauding this train wreck and Barbie proceeds to thank them (how would you know when they are applauding?) by saying "thank you" in every single language. I take it this is going to take a while.
"For this very special moment I've written a very special song. I'd like to sing it for you." Really? I thought you were going to wipe your ass with it!

We then get to hear this "very special song" and... well, it's not terrible. It's not even bad but I have to ask what an 80s rock song with the lyrics "everybody rock" repeated over and over again and is guaranteed to feel outdated ten years from now have to do at all with world peace and the unification of mankind. The neon light show erupting from the pink space flower doesn't make more sense of the situation.

Barbie then drones in her usual, monotone voice: "Today is the first day of world peace. If we all want it enough it won't be the last." All in a rather creepy, robotic manner with her eyes fixed on the screen like this is part of some evil brainwashing scheme.

"Obey Barbie. Or I will kill you. And everyone you love."


Whatever, film's over. There's a part two that I'm planning on reviewing as well but now I gotta go do something manly like play Gears of War to try and wash away all the pink I've had to endure. See you around.

Highlander: The Angsting

I figured since I went through all the trouble of creating a blog I might as well try to contribute something, rather than just farting about in my living room and reading through my newly acquired copies of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen volumes 1 & 2 as well as Batman: The Killing Joke since it occurred to me I didn't have that yet, so I thought I might as well do a review on something.

Not on The League of Extraordinary Gentleman though and not on Batman: The Killing Joke. No, I was thinking about reviewing the animated direct-to-DVD film called Highlander: The Search for Vengeance since that's just so much easier to tear apart.


Now since I already expressed my delight in tearing this movie apart you might be thinking that I hated it, but that is not the case. I actually enjoyed it. Somewhat.

Mind you there will be spoilers.

Now for those of you who don't know what Highlander is, do not fret. It's fairly basic.
The original Highlander was a motion picture that came out in 1986 and centered around the idea that there are a group of immortal people who can not die unless they get their head cut of by another immortal. Supposedly when one immortal kills another the dead immortal's power is transferred to the victor. And when there's only one immortal left in the world he'll be granted limitless power. And for some reason they can't fight on holy ground. Don't ask me why.
It's not a great movie but it is entertaining and well-made for it's time and it still holds up pretty well even by today's standards and it's gotten a cult following.
Then Highlander 2 came along and since then Highlander has desperately tried to regain it's former glory but all to no avail.

Highlander: The Search for Vengeance is the latest attempt and it's not all that bad.

The film takes place is the dystopian future which is about as clichéd as it gets with most of the population being wiped out by some mysterious virus and the remainder of the human race either being holed up underground or roaming the wastelands killing and eating eachother, all sporting ridiculous hair-styles and not nearly enough clothes. And of course there's the self-appointed ruler of the wasteland who lives up in some tower with his half-naked girlfriend and wants to create his own perfect utopia. It's not so much Highlander as it is Fist of the North Star.

The plot centres around the immortal Colin McLeod who is out to seek revenge on some other immortal with a big chin called Marcus Octavius because he killed his girlfriend and burned down his village 2000 years ago and he still hasn't gotten over it. Something even the rest of the cast remark upon how stupid it is.

Not a whole lot of effort seem to have been made to make Colin a likeable character. In fact there's a rather hilarious montage where he flashes back to earlier periods of his life, a bit like how Connor in the original Highlander flashed back to important periods of his life. The major difference being that while Connor flashed back to many different, interesting parts of his life that were interesting to see, Colin always has the exact same thing happening in his flashback with the exception that it takes place in different time periods. For two millenniums Colin hasn't been doing anything other than pursuing Marcus Octavius around the world just so he can kill him and he always has the exact same tactic when attempting to do so. He lunges directly at his arch-nemesis with murderous intent while yelling "MARCUUUUUUS!!!" at the top of his lungs only to immediately after doing so being hacked to pieces or blown up by Marcus or his henchmen but through some amazing coincidence Marcus never actually kills McLeod. Either because he's too busy or because they just happen to be located on holy ground.
It almost started to feel like a running joke and everyone on the film-crew were in on it.

However, in the end I guess we have to root for Colin anyway since all other characters were so shallow or stereotypical it was hard to sympathize with any of them.
Colin is accompanied by a black kid named Joe who's eager to help out and woman named Dahlia who spends most of the movie half-dressed or not at all. Colin is also followed around by the ghost of a druid who's only purpose is to deliver exposition and generally being one of the worst obligatory mentor-characters I have ever witnessed. Why does he follow Colin around? Why does he care? How does he know who the immortals are? I don't know!
Then there's of course the main villain Marcus who spends most of his time in a tower with his half-naked girlfriend talking about how he wants to create a perfect utopia but as you can hear he's not all that interesting either. And he's the one responsible for making the virus for some reason. And of course McLeod kills him in the end. Otherwise he would just spend the rest of his immortal life running after him yelling "MARCUUUUUUS!!!" all the time. And then the quickening magically makes the virus disappear. I'd complain about how that doesn't make any sense but frankly the quickening didn't make a whole lot of sense in the first place.

And then Useless Mentor Guy tries to consort Colin by telling him that his dead girlfriend will only be reincarnated anyway so he shouldn't worry about her dying, thus destroying the entire idea that immortal people can't love because their lovers will ultimately die but apparently it's fine now since they'll just come back later anyway.
Also, Marcus Bigchin's immortal, half-naked girlfriend gets her head blown of by a hand grenade. Granted I'm no Highlander expert but I thought only immortals could kill other immortals. Then again I might be wrong.

That being said, if you can look past all the clichés and shallow characters you might find it entertaining. The animation is spectacular at times and the setting at least works. It had some good action and visuals going for it as well. The voice-acting is... well... it's Manga Entertainment. Actually there's no Japanese audio on the DVD I got so if that turns you off you might want to be careful. The soundtrack isn't Queen but then again what is?

I can't think of a lot of other good points but I know I didn't hate it completely. I had an good time watching it. At best it's worth a rental.

They've at least proven that a Highlander anime can be made and it can be made well.

I guess that's it. I should be going now. Maybe I'll go back to reading comics. Or maybe I'll watch McLeod's flashback montage again.

MARCUUUUUUS!!!